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2001-02-26 8:29:49

It�s been 21 days. It�s been 21 long days. Three weeks. I didn�t honestly think I�d make it this far. I didn�t think I�d make it past the week mark; however, having passed that one week mark, I knew I�d go on not smoking. I�ve been doing well, too. I don�t think I�ve been overly cranky (have I?) and I�ve had only a few hang-ups over this not smoking thing.

One of my problems with quitting has been this: often people ask me if I still want one. I answer honestly � yes. I do. I really do. This is not the problem though, I knew I�d be craving. That�s what the addiction is all about. My problem is when in response to my �yes I want one� people say, �no you don�t.� Pardon me? You�re not feeling my body right now. You don�t know. They think they�re helping me lose my craving if they say that I don�t want one. But, the fact of the matter is that I do. And, since I�ve wanted a smoke dozens of times a day for the last 21 days, I realize pretending that I don�t isn�t going to help me. I have to learn to live with this want, and then, when I can live with the cravings, eventually they will be incorporated in my life and I won�t notice them so much. Also, since I�ve wanted a smoke dozens of times a day for the last 21 days, I realize I�m not going to have one. The first week of not smoking was one of the hardest weeks of my life. It would have been hell even if I were smoking, so if I can survive that, I can survive anything. I�m not saying I won�t ever have a smoke again in my life. That�s promising too much. I can�t predict what will happen. However, I don�t see me having too much of a problem with it. Here�s hoping.

The other little problem I�ve had with this is almost gone. I watched an interview a while ago with Sean Penn and he had mentioned that he quit smoking. When he was asked what he does now, he responded, �I walk around not smoking.� I didn�t understand that so much when I smoked. I do now. That�s what I spent most of my time doing the first couple of weeks. After dinner, I usually had a smoke, now I walk around the apartment absently doing little things in the attempt to not smoke. I go out for about four walks a day in order to not smoke. I wake up every morning and make an exciting lunch for work so as to not smoke. Suddenly I had a lot more time on my hands (I never noticed how much time I used to waste smoking) and now I don�t know what to do with it. I�m getting better, though. A lot better. I�ve pretty much conquered the after meals thing. Now it�s just a brief moment of sadness at the fact that I�m not going to smoke, then it goes away.

I realize I�ve focused a few of my entries now on smoking, but I need to work through things myself, and it�s my diary... so there! =) However, it seems to me that a lot of dland people here are quitting. I don�t really feel too alone. I have to say that being able to talk to someone who has quit also has helped. Thanks. But, my question to anyone who�s quit, did you, or do you still, get depressed that you�re not smoking? Or am I alone in this? It�s not a big depression, but a wave of sadness at times when I normally took a lot of joy out of my cigarette. It passes as soon as it comes, but I still register it. I think it�s because I really liked smoking. I still don�t know why I quit. I didn�t have any epiphany or some revulsion. I didn�t think, I�m gonna die if I keep doing this � I already knew that. I just quit. I planned it too, it wasn�t a spur of the moment kinda thing. I planned it three weeks in advance. I find that kinda weird. Maybe someday I�ll find out what possessed me to do this, maybe I won�t.

On other news, I�m totally loving this CD my sister gave me for my birthday. It�s Matthew Good Band � Beautiful Midnight. I knew I like the band, a lot, but I didn�t know if I�d like to listen to him for a whole CD. However, seems I haven�t really turned this CD off since I got it. It rocks my world!

Well, I have more to talk about, but I�m sick of typing, and it�s only 8:16 a.m. So, talk to ya later. If anyone gets bored, feel free to email me ([email protected]) or sign my guestbook. Gee, I�m desperate for communication! Oh well, aren�t we all?

And yes, I know, my graphics are messed like everyone else's. I'll fix it soon as I can.


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