2002-05-22 9:23 a.m.
I�m not sleeping. It�s 1 a.m., and I�m not sleeping. I�m drinking a Sleepy Time Tea to try to convince myself that all I need is a little help falling asleep, but the truth is, I�m not not sleeping because of lack of fatigue � I�m so tired it�s awful. I�m not sleeping because I can�t get myself to shut up. I�ve tried listening to music, which normally doesn�t help because I can�t stand the noise, but this would be better than listening to my thoughts. I just can�t stop thinking. I want to, but can�t. And, it�s petty. It�s so petty, it makes me angry. It�s so petty, I�m not going to write what it is. All you need to know is that it�s upset me, and I wish to God that it wouldn�t. But, I can�t see anyway that it won�t. I think I�ve damaged my own feelings. I wish I�d stop doing this, but it�s a repeat pattern. I hate myself today. I don�t always hate myself, but today I do. I hope tomorrow I won�t, but this is nagging, awful, and painful � I think it�s going to take time to go away. It probably will always be there.
I hope I�m overreacting. I hope my assumption is wrong. It�s wrong of me to hope my assumption is wrong. This makes me more angry at myself. I should be happy. I�m not.
So, because this is upsetting me, and making me feel like the biggest loser, idiot, and dolt on the face of the earth and possibly beyond, I can�t sleep. I actually find it hard to breath � not super hard, but difficult enough that I notice it. And, what�s more, I�m dredging up all the times in my life I�ve felt like a loser. There are many. Each of these memories makes me sick of myself. Each memory makes me think, �Fuck Marla, you really are a loser.�
I feel like I have no right to feel this way. I think I do, but it feels wrong. Not because of the circumstance, in that regard I wish I were happy, but what I mean is that every time I fall into this type of despair, I think that I have no rights to these feeling. There are other more depressed people out there, then I feel guilty for being sad. Right now, I can�t win.
My body hurts. I wish it wouldn�t � I really don�t want to be reminded that I have one. A body, that is. Sometimes, no matter how hard I try, I don�t like my body. Often, I�m not too keen on my mind either. Most of the time, I think I have a good heart. I�m normally a very happy person. I have a nasty feeling that this is going to go on for a while. I hope I�m wrong. I�ll put on my happy face tomorrow, I�ll pretend like I always do when I�m upset. Marla doesn�t get to be depressed. No one understands it from me. I always smile; it�s not always real.
My arms feel like lead, my eyes hurt. I�m going to go try to sleep again. I�d say �wish me luck� but I can�t post this until morning because of my Internet-less home. Oh well.
I feel a bit better this morning, even if I didn�t fall asleep until after 4 a.m. I�ll update a little bit later, maybe I�ll feel even better�
previous next
